Dupa reflectii si concluziile

Dupa cateva zile au venit si concluziile,m-am gandit la ele asa cum as vrea sa te astern aici, apoi mi-am dat seama ca trebuie sa le imbrac in vesminte vesele de vara si de sarbatoare.

Am aflat , fara sa vreau si fara sa ma straduiesc ca " you are really not who I thought you were" si mai ales " you have no clue over who I am". Mai mult decat atat imi place, ma bucur ca pot sa rad alaturi de oamenii superficiali, ca nu au nici cea mai vaga idee cine sunt eu, dar simt si cred si exista alaturi de mine, convinsi ca eu sunt imaginea efemera pe care au au ei asupra situatiei.And this is really funny de vazut, de urmarit, cum se urzesc planurile si se tes panzele in mintea unui om , care nu mai are nimic de pierdut, caci a pierdut totul, a pierdut si ultima licarire, a pierdut iubirea si poate si-a rapit singur dreptul la fericire.In mod normal as plange pentru un astfel de om, as vrea sa spun "cuvinte dulci" si vorbe de amor, dar nu pot.Ma vad legata, tintuita cu un zambet de hiena...nu mai pot sa rezonez si nu mai pot simti pentru altii, nici macar compasiune, nimic.Imi pare rau...dar "IATA" nu este un cuvant revelator ci o biata interjectie, ce nu poate trezi sentimente profunde nimanui, nu este un strigat , iar tu my dear ai nevoie de un strigat, caci acolo unde esti, nobody can help.

Am mai realizat ca mi-e dor de lucrurile complicate, mi-e dor de tot ceea ce este nebunesc, imposibil, ascuns, greu de atins si greu de tinut in loc.Mi-e dor de durerea autoimpusa, mi-e dor de noptile in care nu dormi doar pentru ca simti prea multe, mi-e dor de covorul roz ce atatea secrete a cunoscut, de ursul meu si de o stare...

Sunt copil pana in maduva oaselor, ascuns bine intr-un ambalaj placut, feminin. Am crezut ca vreau sa-l tin ascuns, dar nu.E vara si e timpul pentru joaca, nimic nu poate fi luat in serios , iar dramele ce se desfasoara in jurul meu si itele tesute nu sunt decat niste "scuze patetice".Sunt scuzele oamenilor superficiali , ale oamenilor comuni, sunt modalitatile atat de banele prin care incerca sa-si contureze cu disperare un dram de fericire. Si ma opresc si spun " hey baby it is not here". Oricat de mult ai fuma, oricat ai bea si oricat ai minti, singura persoana pe care nu o poti pacali sau insela este copilul, cel cu care ramai singur seara, cel care iti sopteste in ureche suav " nu sunt fericit".Ii auzi vocea si incerci sa o ignori, incerci sa pari mai mult, sa pari mai dur, sa te ascunzi sub falsa masca a maturitatii, cand de fapt nu vrei decat sa-i hranesti nevoile si tot ceea ce faci este pentru a mai auzi inca o data rasetul acela, pentru a simti tresarirerea, disperarea sau pentru a mai asculta macar o clipa " armonia sunetelor fericirii".

Ne-ar placea tuturor sa o putem face, dar preferam sa fim ipocriti si sa ne ascundem...ei bine eu nu!Eu stiu despre mine ca am fost fericita si ieri si sunt fercita si astazi, pentru ca am tot ceea ce imi trebuie sa o fac.

Insa tu...tu nu mai ai, as vrea sa ma doara, as vrea sa spun ca-mi pasa...dar "IATA" ca nu !!!Astea sunt regulile jocului si astea au fost intotdeuna, un copil care s-a jucat, un adult ramas cu acelasi gust amar pe care il inghite de atata timp , I' m so...not sorry I could...laugh!

The words you'll never hear

I have reached that point I thought I'd never have to, or would be less painful, I would be stronger. I am not! I couldn't sleep with all the eyes hunting me, along the night, I couldn't move, and there was nobody there to hold me anymore. One bed filled with 2 strangers, sleeping on their own, 2 people who have nothing else to share any longer, but the ghosts of past times happiness. And even those ghosts are a lonely, solitary dream of a child who really thought that her love was enough to conquer the world. He was there too, the little boy that could, the one who never loved her...now I wish he did, for 5 minutes, maybe just for those minutes, when time stops and all of our "shit" goes away.I wondered for days how it feels to lose for good, to become past tense, and be lost, your name remaining just like a fading scar on a tree, your laugh an illusion, all your feeling, lost in the blizzard. I felt like minutes passing on like days, all the things that I have done, people I've touched, had gone far away, the starlight went to other shores.Try as I might all I did is to inflict a moment of pure unhappiness, a memory of what was bad and selfish love , the love of a little child who does not come to comprehend that the world is not their playground, the sand and the plastic toys all scrambled, tears and silence. I cried out for help, but my voice was cut, my lungs could not find air maybe that is the way you feel when you drown.I want to be the creature, numb and still, I long for that, I pray that this never happens again.The second layer of skin was peeling off, its last powers, crawling for my body, me desperate to claim it back, but the sword of truth was calling me a liar. I lie to myself by trying to keep what is not mine to keep, what I have kept for so long, at all costs, ignoring the truth and going forward...always forward.I gave it some much time of mine, I thought it over, but never have I ever came across this, never have a imagined it to be so, you looking composed and cold. The nightmares have just begun, and you will not be there to stop them, there will not be a second time, no chance to feel again, no way to keep your touch and hold your hand in mine, knowing that all will go away, eventually.I have no words, but I am sorry, I am sorry for having been such a difficult person, for not understanding sooner, I am sorry for what I feel now and I am sorry you had to listen to me wining like a child.I will miss you forever but you will be just fine, "little child of mine".