The words you'll never hear

I have reached that point I thought I'd never have to, or would be less painful, I would be stronger. I am not! I couldn't sleep with all the eyes hunting me, along the night, I couldn't move, and there was nobody there to hold me anymore. One bed filled with 2 strangers, sleeping on their own, 2 people who have nothing else to share any longer, but the ghosts of past times happiness. And even those ghosts are a lonely, solitary dream of a child who really thought that her love was enough to conquer the world. He was there too, the little boy that could, the one who never loved her...now I wish he did, for 5 minutes, maybe just for those minutes, when time stops and all of our "shit" goes away.I wondered for days how it feels to lose for good, to become past tense, and be lost, your name remaining just like a fading scar on a tree, your laugh an illusion, all your feeling, lost in the blizzard. I felt like minutes passing on like days, all the things that I have done, people I've touched, had gone far away, the starlight went to other shores.Try as I might all I did is to inflict a moment of pure unhappiness, a memory of what was bad and selfish love , the love of a little child who does not come to comprehend that the world is not their playground, the sand and the plastic toys all scrambled, tears and silence. I cried out for help, but my voice was cut, my lungs could not find air maybe that is the way you feel when you drown.I want to be the creature, numb and still, I long for that, I pray that this never happens again.The second layer of skin was peeling off, its last powers, crawling for my body, me desperate to claim it back, but the sword of truth was calling me a liar. I lie to myself by trying to keep what is not mine to keep, what I have kept for so long, at all costs, ignoring the truth and going forward...always forward.I gave it some much time of mine, I thought it over, but never have I ever came across this, never have a imagined it to be so, you looking composed and cold. The nightmares have just begun, and you will not be there to stop them, there will not be a second time, no chance to feel again, no way to keep your touch and hold your hand in mine, knowing that all will go away, eventually.I have no words, but I am sorry, I am sorry for having been such a difficult person, for not understanding sooner, I am sorry for what I feel now and I am sorry you had to listen to me wining like a child.I will miss you forever but you will be just fine, "little child of mine".